(Photo Courtesy https://goodmenproject.com )
I’ve come across a
post published by one of my friends regarding crying and its gender dynamics.
The social norm is that it is not for the boys to cry and crying is something
acceptable for girls. As boys when we had tears in our eyes, the grown-ups humiliate
us saying ‘don’t cry like a girl’. When boys
(from now the words ‘men’ and ‘women’ are used to depict the male and female
gender and it includes people from all age-groups). Several questions have been
raised from the idea of crying. Some say that it is a method of expressing the
emotions while some speculate the helpfulness of crying dismissing it a
weakness if it is done by men.
Why do we cry?
The ‘Crying’ discussed
in this article is not just the process of having tears in the eyes. Crying
should be separated from the response to chopped onions, tear gas or yawning
and should be associated with emotions especially
painful and sad ones. It may be related to the emotional
outbreak and a may be triggered to show someone’s distress, the need for social support from the others around
you. The ultimate objective of crying may be to act as a signal of emotional
distress to others so that they come to help and comfort you. When the words
cannot show the true state of mental and emotional anguish, crying comes to the
rescue. This is evident in infants and toddlers whose verbal skills are not
developed but are able to communicate their distress through crying. A crying
baby grabs the attention of all around
him/her and those who are close will immediately come to the aid comforting,
nurturing and soothing him/her. When children grow and come into adulthood, the
inherent show of distress through crying doesn’t change. What has changed is
the response to the crying. We don’t respond to a crying adult the same way as
we did for the babies.
Men v. Women; crying
Do male toddlers cry
less than their female counterparts? Or does the society respond differently to
male infants? It is not clear that who cries the most and usually when the
infant is small, we tend to attend the emotional needs regardless of the gender
but when the child grows, gender will play a role. That is why ‘Don’t cry like
a girl!’ the response comes out from the
adults when boys who passed the toddler-age cry while totally opposite
comforting response will be directed towards a girl. This growing separation of
responses will continue towards adulthood. The reaction,
when grown up women cry, has little or no change while for the men, it
is considered as the weakness and something which the men cannot and shouldn’t do.
Do men feel emotional
pain as much as women?
Even though there are
differences in the male and female brain in relation to the emotional sensitivity
men also feel emotional pain as deeply and severely as women do. The difference
lies with the long-lasting effect and what men/women do in response to pain. Men
often feel the emotional pain less intense than their female counterparts
nevertheless the pain is highly likely to remain with men for a long time. Especially
in rejections, the pain remains even if the times and conditions change over
time thus scars remain until he dies. Women,
on the other hand, feel the pain intensely for a significantly shorter time than men and the pain may subside over
time. The response is also different for men and women. While women try to
express their emotional pain and sadness as it is, men tend to channel it in
different ways, most probably through anger or self-destructive behavior such
as recklessness, substance abuse or potentially life-threatening behavior.
It is so unfair to conclude that men don’t feel
the sadness. They do feel it but they are either reluctant to directly express
it or channel it out as it is. That’s when the crying comes. Because of the
established social norms forcing men to appear strong and refrain from showing
their true vulnerable emotions, most of us think that men have little or no
feelings. It is the unspoken, un-cried and hidden despair shows the real
emotional nature of men. It is the guy who smiles and happy all the time hides the
most painful secrets.
Is crying beneficial today?
When the society gets
changed, individualism has been promoted. Today, the sense of community and altruism
was not the norm of the present society. This is most prominent in
relationships. With this change, there will be less and fewer people whom we can truly trust. A person’s emotional support
network is shrinking and he/she must be very lucky to have even a few
individuals with whom he/she can be emotionally open. In the times when trust
is a luxury, it is highly likely that crying and showing emotional pain to
others will end up in more hurt, pain,
and humiliation for that person. Thus regardless of the gender, it is wise to
cope with your problems by yourself, thus invalidating any need of crying or
seeking for emotional support.
Summing up
The essence of what we’ve
discovered above is not only about crying, but also about the changing ways of
showing the emotional distress to get the support from the people around you.
It doesn’t mean that crying alone is a weakness or not a ‘manly’ thing. If it
helps to sooth the pain, it would be the healthiest thing to do even for men
than channeling the pain to self-destructive behavior. In fact, most of the men
who appear to be strong have cried in silent and put a brave space along with a
mask of a smile to the outside world.
In conclusion, it can
be said that the act of crying to show the mental distress hoping to get
emotional support may not the best thing to being
done at present for both men and women. In times, when crying makes you vulnerable
and gets you humiliated and most importantly when no one around you can be
trusted, the best thing to do is to endure the pain and suffering silently and
try to get over it. It is applicable for both genders thus it is not ladylike
to be crying and it is not only manly to hide your feelings. Everyone should
hide their tears to make themselves immune to more hurt and pain from the untrustworthy
people around you.
PS:
I wonder how the
phrase ‘boys don’t cry’ comes to use. But I discovered it from a song performed
in 1979 by the English Rock Band ‘The Cure’. It depicts a heartbroken boy who
smiles because it is not acceptable to shed a tear on his loss.
The song is listed below.
